Things I Never Thought I'd Be Doing

Top of the list would have to be: Explaining to child why he should not accuse his classmate of destroying San Francisco.

So today my son brought home the landscape he made in art out of salt dough--rivers, grass, desert, and erupting volcano. A kid on the bus, a perennial foe of said son, made a nasty crack about how lame it was.

My son turned to him and said, "So that's what this is all about? You destroy San Francisco and kill one of my friends, just to get to me?"

I bit my lip. He's been watching the movie Monsters versus Aliens, and of course this is a line from the movie. He does this--quotes movie lines, chosen because of the emotion of the speaker and not because of the actual meaning of the words.

"Um," I said. "Do you really think that Colin destroyed San Francisco?"

"No," he said breezily. "I was just really angry."

I tried to explain what the problem was. But I'm not sure I got through. Some days it's tough being a mom.

Adam and Eve and Ralphie and Marian

It's twilight in the Garden of Eden. Adam is sleeping. Eve is standing beside the Tree of Knowledge, her head tilted as she listens to the sly logic of the Snake.

"Go ahead," urges the Snake as Eve takes the smooth, round fruit into her hand. "Taste it. You'll be---"

FREEYOW! A blast of energy suddenly sears its way through the forbidden fruit and strikes the Snake with killing force. Eve is saved! She turns in surprise to look at her rescuer. It's Ralphie Kokensparger, Time Lord and NASCAR driver! By his side is Marian Ravenwood, his friend and companion in adventure.

Ralphie brushes past Eve to examine the remains. But the Snake is not really a snake--it's a Dalek, one of Ralphie's most deadly enemies. These evil machine-creatures from the planet Skaro have caused death and destruction throughout the galaxy.

But now, the whole history of the Bible will follow a different course because of his brave actions.

I will always be with you

He was weepy last night, probably over-tired from his busy elementary-school day.

"I don't want you to die," he said, tears trembling in his eyes. "I'm so afraid to lose you. I want you to live forever."

I pointed out that it wouldn't be much fun for me to live forever, if he wasn't going to be there too. I would, however, try to live a good long life. Can't promise any better than that.

He wasn't reassured. "Don't leave me."

In a burst of inspiration, Star Wars came to my aid. Again.

"Of course I'll never leave you," I said confidently. "Remember, Obi-Wan never really left Luke. He was always there, watching over him, even after he died. Right?"

A little nod, a spark of hope. Bedtime business resumed its calm routine.

And I will always be with him.

We shall meet again

Today's installment: The evil scientist Davros gnashes his teeth in impotent anger when he realizes he has been thwarted by our intrepid hero.

The evil scientist mutters, "We shall meet again, Ralphie Kokensparger, never doubt it. We - shall - meet - again."

Ralphie turns and throws an impudent grin over his shoulder. Never mind that Davros is a twisted genius, creator of a fearsome army of robots that threaten to overrun the galaxy. Matching wits with this formidable adversary is just the sort of challenge our hero relishes.

And once again, Ralphie, Jedi Knight and NASCAR driver, has saved the day.

Words, words, words

He's in love with words--the way the sound, the way they tumble off his tongue and tickle his ears as they fly into the sky.
Tonight it was "verve," courtesy of the Wizard of Oz and the Cowardly Lion:
Oh, it's sad, believe me, Missy, / When you're born to be a sissy / Without the vim and verve...
He rolled the word around in his mouth like a sip of fine wine. "Verve! Do you have verve?"
I said I did.
He said he did, too.
Then he moved on--"I used the gizmo to fix the whatzit!" He said it again--Whatzit. It made him laugh.
My heart is full.

Raiders of the Lost Alligator Temple

Now the Imperial Empire is all but extinct. The Separatists have taken over the galaxy of Tri-Alvaron, and rule the planet Yokum.

At the Temple, the droids worship Duneeden, who does not take the form of an alligator but just a head. The droids practice human sacrifice--girl sacrifice, to be specific. Marian Ravenwood and Indiana Jones infiltrate the temple to stop them, while Ralphie Kokensparger and his brother Tim wait outside.

The rebels are still working the restore freedom to the Chubbees. They live in England, and speak English.

The New Story

Okay, I'm going to chronicle the saga of our hero, Jedi Knight and NASCAR driver Ralphie Kokensparger, as he and his brother Tim fight their way through some of the most hair-raising adventures you've ever heard.

Episode II --Ralphie and the Temple of Doom

Prologue.

This war is really heating up!

Although the Empire has been destroyed, the Separatists have taken over the planet Yokum in the galaxy of Tri-Alvaron. The Separatists have whale ships and shark ships.

Still, the Rebels are determined to restore peace to the Chubbies.

(Production Notes: The Chubbies are knights in medieval armor. The Separatists are blobs of goo encased in ovoid containers equipped with metal claws and eyes on stalks. The Thuggees are green-faced trolls.)

Tune in next time, when we hear Ralphie say, "If we don't get out of here, we are GOING to DIE!"