Sunday, October 19, 2008

Dread in the Suburbs

Thank goodness DH came through his surgery with flying colors. His doctor used a CT-scan machine to help remove the last remnants of the tumor cells that were excised from DH's sinus cavity back in August. The tumors are benign, but have an irritating habit of growing back--hopefully this procedure will eradicate them all. The docs in Pittsburgh are amazing; I was delighted to have him released from the hospital the same day.

When this type of thing was done at the James, it took a week of recovery in the hospital and a month at home before DH was back to himself. This time, with the minimally-invasive procedure, DH was helping me clean up after our son's sudden barf attack that same night. (Not that I'm advocating this, you understand, but it goes to show how well he felt.)

So now all that remains is for me to go through the colonoscopy recommended for 50-year-olds. I'm all nervous now, too. I'm convinced that they're going to find evidence of some horrible condition and I'll be doomed.

So naturally I tried to turn it to my advantage: What a boon for weight loss! Maybe the docs will tell me sternly that I will have to have an operation--and by the way, I can expect to lose 100 lbs. in the process. Of course, I won't be able to eat the way I'm used to. But this will be a sad necessity forced upon me by fate and not a choice I made for myself.

Why does it seem easier to have it be medically required rather than my own choice? You'd think that I would rather put myself on a diet than be told I will throw up if I eat X food. But when the decision is out of my hands, I let go and do what I have to do.

Another benefit: You can't die of Alzheimer's if you die of cancer first. Grim? Well, yeah, but if you've got to pick a disease...

But I would rather stay here and live a long and healthy life. I want to see my son grow up. I want to fulfill those dreams I have of best-sellerdom, of a silver anniversary, and of living and loving for a long time.

I'm told the best way to approach the subject is not to think about it. Don't worry, don't brood, don't imagine yourself sick. Imagine yourself well. Imagine yourself healthy. imagine your life in a perfectly healthy body, full of energy and vitality, breathing the sweet air and laughing out loud for sheer delight.