Monday, July 2, 2007

Slow deflation?

That slow, steady hiss is the sound of my ego deflating. Usually I feel pumped up, buoyant, and smiley. Usually. But today I feel like I'm slowly collapsing, the big smile crumpling up into a puddle of anxieties and fears.

I'm going through a change in my career life and it's not easy to weather. I like to think I'm handling things in a mature and positive way, understanding that it's all for the best and it's not really anybody's fault. But it's not easy to feel strong and secure right now.

I know that in a short while I'll be over this and things will be better than ever. New doors will open for me, I'll be closer than ever to my bliss, and I'll be so thankful that this change came about. But that will be then, and this is now.

It's true that you have to let go of what you have, so you can open your hands to receive the abundance that is coming to you. It's true that everything is happening better than I could have expected. But here and now I'm going through a rough moment and there's no one who can hold my hand.

So from a high a few days ago, I am now in a low (exacerbated by PMS, just for an added bit of irony) and it's hard. Here it is, the official beginning of my 1-year weight loss project, and I'm a mess.

I hope I look back on this and feel kindness for the person I was, full of anxiety and discouragement. I hope I can say, "Wow, I was so worried, but it all worked out for the best, and here I am on a mountain top of joy and success."

I look forward to that mountain top.